When gratitude feels hard, but matters most

How small thank-yous can rewire the brain and support healing after emotional pain

When life feels overwhelming, when you’ve gone through something painful or traumatic, the last thing your mind wants to do is be grateful. In fact, it may feel silly, or even wrong, to look for silver linings while you’re still hurting. And yet, science tells us something powerful: even the tiniest moments of gratitude can shift the brain toward healing.

The science behind gratitude

Research by Emmons & McCullough (2003) found that people who practiced gratitude regularly had higher levels of dopamine, the feel-good brain chemical, and reported better moods, improved sleep, and greater emotional resilience. Gratitude activates parts of the brain associated with reward and emotional regulation, helping to calm the nervous system and build a sense of hope.

This doesn’t mean ignoring pain or pretending to be happy. It means allowing small, warm moments to coexist with our sorrow.

Gratitude feels hard after trauma

If you’ve been through trauma, gratitude might feel inaccessible at times. You may be in survival mode, feeling numb, angry, or stuck in the past. The nervous system in trauma is often hyper-alert or shut down. In such moments, asking someone to “just be grateful” feels invalidating.

But gratitude isn’t about forcing positivity. It’s about softening into what’s already here, and giving space to the smallest flickers of safety or beauty.

Start small:

Here are some gentle ways to invite gratitude, even when life feels raw:

1. The Body check-in

“Thank you, feet, for carrying me through the day. Thank you, lungs, for breathing even when I forget to notice.” Gratitude doesn’t have to be grand. It can begin with your body. Even if it’s tired or aching, notice the parts that are still showing up for you.

2. Gratitude for the ordinary

“The tea was warm. The sky had a soft glow this evening. The neighbor smiled today.” Train your brain to catch the micro-moments. Gratitude grows in the small things, especially when you’re healing.

3. Anchor to people who care

“I’m grateful for that one friend who checks in.” Sometimes trauma makes us feel isolated. Naming even one person, past or present, who offered kindness can be grounding.

Rituals and activities that help

Here are some practices you can try at your own pace:

1. The 3-Breath gratitude pause

At the end of your day, pause and take 3 deep breaths. For each breath, name one thing you are grateful for. Let it be simple and true, no need to impress anyone, not even yourself.

2. Gratitude journal

Keep a small notebook where you write 1–3 things you’re thankful for each day. If writing feels too much, try using your phone’s voice notes.

3. Write a “Thank You” letter

Write a letter (sent or unsent) to someone who made your life even 1% easier, someone who helped carry your load, even briefly.

4. Nature-based gratitude

Sit near a tree or plant, or stand in sunlight for a few minutes. Say silently, “Thank you for still being here. And thank you that I am too.”

Example: Rina's journey

Rina, who had lost her job during the pandemic and faced a painful breakup, shared that at first, the idea of gratitude felt fake. But one day, she started by thanking her old coffee mug. “It’s chipped but it reminds me of home,” she said. Over time, she built a list, her dog, her neighbor’s jasmine flowers, the calm after rain. She later shared, “Gratitude didn’t erase my pain, but it gave me oxygen when I was drowning.”

Gratitude is not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about saying, amidst all this pain, there’s still something worth holding onto. And sometimes, that’s all we need to begin healing.