Honoring grief: Understanding the 5 stages and finding gentle ways forward

Grief is love that has nowhere to go.

When someone we love passes away, the world can feel unfamiliar. There are moments when you may feel fine, followed by sudden waves of sadness, anger, or confusion. That’s the nature of grief, it comes in waves, not in order.

This post is for anyone walking through loss. Whether you’ve lost a parent, partner, friend, or even a part of yourself, I hope this helps you feel less alone.

The 5 stages of grief (by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

Grief isn’t linear. These stages don’t follow a neat order, and not everyone experiences all of them. They’re just a map, not a rulebook.

1. Denial

“This can’t be real. She was just here yesterday.”

Denial is our mind’s way of protecting us from overwhelming pain. It gives us time to adjust to reality.

When someone is stuck in denial, they might:

• Set a dinner plate for the person who passed away.

• Keep waiting for a call or message.

• Speak of the person in the present tense.

• Avoid going near their belongings, pretending things are unchanged.

These are the heart’s way of holding on. It’s okay. Denial softens as the mind gently accepts the truth.

Gentle support:

• Anchor yourself in small routines. Brush your hair, make tea, fold a blanket—anything that connects you to the present moment.

• Talk about them. Mention their name. It's okay if it brings tears.

  
  

2. Anger

“Why did this happen? Why now?”

Anger is a natural part of grief. It often hides deeper feelings like helplessness or heartbreak.

When someone is stuck in anger, they might:

• Feel intense rage at the person who passed for “leaving them.”

• Blame themselves, “Why didn’t I say I loved her more?”

• Feel angry at doctors, relatives, or even God for letting it happen.

• Snap at others for small things or withdraw completely.

This anger isn’t wrong, it’s pain, looking for a voice.

Gentle support:

• Write an “Unfinished Letter” to the person you lost. Say everything you wish you could.

• Punch a pillow, scream in your car, or go for a fast walk. The body needs release.

  
  

3. Bargaining

“If I had done more… maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

In this stage, we wrestle with guilt or regret. It’s the mind’s way of trying to regain control.

When someone is stuck in bargaining, they might:

• Replay “what if” scenarios constantly.

• Blame themselves for not noticing signs, not calling sooner, or not being present.

• Feel tormented by choices they made or didn’t make.

This is where self-forgiveness is deeply needed.

Gentle support:

• Write a “What I Did Do” list. Focus on what you offered, your love, your care, your time.

• Talk to a friend or therapist who can gently challenge your inner critic.

  
  

4. Depression

“It hurts to even get out of bed.”

This isn’t a flaw, it’s a natural reaction to deep loss. Allow yourself to feel it without judgment.

When someone is stuck in this stage, they might:

• Lose interest in things they once enjoyed.

• Feel numb or disconnected for long periods.

• Struggle with sleep or appetite.

• Withdraw from people or daily life.

This kind of grief-related depression may ease with time and connection, but sometimes needs gentle support from professionals too.

Gentle support:

• Create a comfort corner. A spot in your home with a blanket, candle, or photo. Go there to just “be.”

• Art, music, or nature can help express what words can’t.

  
  

5. Acceptance

“She’s not coming back, but I carry her in me now.”

Acceptance doesn’t mean the grief is gone. It means we begin to live alongside it.

If someone resists this stage, they might feel:

• Guilty for smiling or laughing again.

• That moving forward means “letting go” or “forgetting” the person.

• A fear that their identity will change if the grief changes.

But healing is not forgetting, it's integrating.

Gentle support:

• Start a ritual. Light a candle for them each week. Cook their favorite dish on their birthday.

• Plant something. A small tree, a flower, even a pot of herbs, something living to honor them.

  
  

Grief activities you can try

The unfinished letter

Write a letter to your loved one. Say the things you didn’t get to say. You can write it in one sitting or return to it over days. You can begin with:

“Dear Mama, There’s so much I still want to tell you…”

Create a memory box

Fill a small box with photos, letters, or small items that remind you of them. Let it be a safe space for memory and connection.

Memory timeline

Draw a line on paper and mark key memories along it, from childhood to their final days. It helps hold their life, not just their death.

There’s no right way to grieve

Grief is not something to “get over.” It’s something we carry, and over time, it changes shape.

If you're grieving, please know this: You are not broken. You are healing. And it’s okay if that healing doesn’t look the way you expected.

If you’re supporting a friend who’s grieving…

• Don’t try to fix their pain, just be there.

• Say their loved one’s name.

• Ask, “What do you miss most today?”

• Bring food, sit in silence, offer small kindnesses.

  
  

(You will find Grief reflection worksheet and Unfinished letter template under 'Reading Material' Tab. You can download it if you want. Let me know in comments if it was helpful.)